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News of Future Past/Transcript
DISCLAIMER YAMCHA: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to the group cheering at Goku's return to Earth) KRILLIN: Yay! Yeah! Goku! YAMCHA: All right! This is awesome! GOKU: Wow, I can't believe you guys are all still alive. I mean, I swore Freezer was gonna Yamcha at least one or two of you. Speaking of which... Hi, Yamcha! YAMCHA: (sweatdrops) Hey... GOKU: So, which one of you guys ixnayed the old Freezer-fray? VEGETA: (the back of his pink shirt shows a rainbow) Well, Kakarrot, while you were off bumming around in space, I'' took charge of the situation. Gathering up your planet's measly excuse for fighters, and spear-headed an assault on-- '''BULMA:' (referring to the young man) Right over here. VEGETA: (off-screen) I was '''getting' to that!'' GOKU: Oh, if it ain't you, you old so-and-so! It's been so long since I, uh... I... I mean you... YOUNG MAN: We've never met before. GOKU: Oh, thank God, or... Kami, or King Kai... I don't know; that whole thing is screwy. YOUNG MAN: Actually, if it's okay with you... I'd like to talk to you in private. GOKU: Oh, okay! One minute, guys. GOHAN: But Dad, it's been almost two years! GOKU: I know, but I gotta go talk to this purple stranger. GOHAN: But I-- GOKU: Yeah, cool. (Goku and the young man fly away from the others) YOUNG MAN: (thinking) Okay, Trunks, don't be nervous. He's just a normal guy-- just introduce yourself. (out loud) So, you're Sun Wukong, right? (thinking) DAMN IT! GOKU: I'm Son Goku, yes. TRUNKS: (thinking) Roll with it. (out loud) I'm Trunks! Nice to meet you! GOKU: Trunks, huh? So you're the one who whomped Freezer. TRUNKS: Yes. I was actually wondering... How did he survive Namek? GOKU: Well... (slowly) ...I kinda maybe sorta kept letting him go... Yeah, probably a bad call. TRUNKS: If I hadn't shown up, all your friends would be dead. GOKU: Hoo boy, the dragon wouldn't be happy about that one! TRUNKS: Also, I'm curious... When you fought Freeza, you were a Super Saiyan, correct? GOKU: A Super Duper Super Saiyan! TRUNKS: Well, can you show me? GOKU: I barely know you, but... I guess! (transforms into a Super Saiyan) Ha-ha-ha-ha! Still kinda tickles... TRUNKS: Yep, that's a Super Saiyan, all right! So, now that you've shown me yours, I'll show you mine. (transforms into a Super Saiyan as well) GOKU: Whoa...! What happened to your hair? It's'' yellow!'' TRUNKS: So is yours... GOKU: It '''is?!' SEQUENCE ''(cut to the group observing the both Goku and Trunks' Super Saiyan transformations) BULMA: Blonde, spiky hair... GOHAN: Incredible aura... KRILLIN: Well, Vegeta, now that Goku's here to compare, we can finally say for sure that that kid's a Super-- VEGETA: Utter one more word, and no dragon alive will be able to fix what I do to you! KRILLIN: (quickly changing the subject) So, Tien, uh, have you been lifting? 'Cause you are jacked! TIEN: Yeah, who knows? Maybe I'll be the next Super Saiyan. (Vegeta turns to Tien and starts making growling, muttering sounds of annoyance and stifled anger) (cut back to Goku and Trunks) GOKU: So, a Super Saiyan too, huh? That's cool... took Krillin dying for me to become one... Wait, did something happen to Krillin while I was gone? (Trunks unsheathes his sword and attacks Goku with multiple strikes, with Goku blocking all his attacks with one finger) TRUNKS: (gasps, completely shocked by Goku's power) GOKU: No, but seriously, how's Krillin? (Trunks jumps back and reverts to his normal form) TRUNKS: It's just like my mom said; you're absolutely amazing, Goku! (Goku also reverts to his normal form) Now I know that I can reveal to you my secret. GOKU: A secret? I love secrets! I'm awful at keeping them, though-- like, the worst! TRUNKS: Uh... GOKU: Oh, but don't worry-- I'll totally keep this one, though. I promise on Krillin's life. TRUNKS: Umm... GOKU: Okay, you're right. I promise on Bulma's life. TRUNKS: You promise on my mother's life? GOKU: BULMA'S YOUR MOM?! TRUNKS: (thinking) DAMN IT! GOKU: I can't believe it! I was only gone for a year and a half--- and already a Super Saiyan. Kids grow up so fast these days. TRUNKS: No, wait, you don't understand... GOKU: And what, next thing you're gonna tell me is that Vegeta's your daddy? TRUNKS: (blushing) Mmm... GOKU: (puts on an embarrassed expression) ...Oh, my Gamikai... PICCOLO: (from the distance) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! VEGETA: (from the distance) What's so funny? PICCOLO: (from the distance) Your '''shirt!' '''VEGETA:' (from the distance) ARRRRRGH!!! GOKU: Man, good for them! I'm gonna go over there right now and congratulate 'em! (turns around to walk back over to Vegeta and Bulma) TRUNKS: I'm from the future! GOKU: (turns back to Trunks) ...For realsies? TRUNKS: For...realsies... GOKU: Whoa. TRUNKS: Listen, three years from now on the 12th of May at approximately 10 a.m. on an island nine miles off of South City, two creatures will appear. (a pair of figures with red eyes appear and start battling with each-other) A pair of man-made monstrosities; half-human, half-machine! Crafted by a mad scientist from the now-defunct Red Ribbon Army. GOKU: (gasps) Androids? TRUNKS: Actually, the technical term is Cyborgs. GOKU: Androids! TRUNKS: Look, my point is, they're dangerous. Each of them on their own dwarf even Freeza with their power! GOKU: (not really surprised) ...And? TRUNKS: And... they kill everyone! As in Vegeta, Krillin, Piccolo, Tenshinhan, Chiaotzu... (shows all of the characters Trunks described getting killed) The only ones that survive are myself, my mother, and Gohan. GOKU: Oh, wow...! Wait, you didn't mention Yamcha. TRUNKS: Oh, um, I mean, he dies, but... See, after he found out that my mother was pregnant with Vegeta's child, he sort of... (shows a shot of Yamcha having hung himself in a dark room, possibly at Kame House) GOKU: Dark. Wait, what about me? TRUNKS: I don't how to tell you this, but... you don't make it to the battle either. You die of heart failure the year before. GOKU: What? Why?! How?! TRUNKS: High cholesterol. GOKU: From what?! TRUNKS: According to the coroner, too much bacon. GOKU: (transforms into a Super Saiyan) You take that ''back.'' TRUNKS: But listen! In the future, my mother has developed medication that will help level your cholesterol. GOKU: (now in normal form) Is it grape flavored? TRUNKS: I don't know. Yes? GOKU: 'Cause I don't like grape. TRUNKS: Then it's bacon flavored! GOKU: (excited) Yay~! TRUNKS: Well, now that we have all that settled, I'd better get back to the future. It was... interesting to meet my mom and dad. As I said before, I really need you to keep that a secret! One little slip-up, and I suddenly may not exist! GOKU: Wait, but if you don't exist, then you don't come back in time, but then you could never tell me, which means I'd never know, you'd still be born... and... why does everything smell like copper? TRUNKS: I tentatively leave this in your hands, Goku! Train well! Until we meet again! (starts running off) GOKU: Oh, okay! Goodbye, Trunks! (Trunks flies off) What a nice young lady! Now, to get my story straight... (cut to the group running over to Goku and Piccolo, who is beside him all of a sudden) KRILLIN: Goku! What was that all about? GOKU: You guys... Androids! KRILLIN: Yeah... And? GOKU: Um... On Mar-- PICCOLO: May. GOKU: May! 20-- PICCOLO: 12th. GOKU: May 12th! At 10 p.m.-- PICCOLO: a.m. GOKU: a.m...! Nine miles? PICCOLO: Nine miles. GOKU: Nine miles off of... North-- PICCOLO: South. GOKU: South City! Two Androids will appear on May 12th at 10 a.m. nine miles off of South City! PICCOLO: In three years, I heard everything. GOKU: Please don't tell everybody! PICCOLO: Oh-ho-ho, I won't. NAIL: (I will.) PICCOLO: Shut up, Nail! GOKU: 'Kay. PICCOLO: According to the kid, we all die to these Androids in the future. We have three years to train before they arrive. VEGETA: Well, maybe they'll kill all of you... but I'm not afraid of any over-touted washing machines. By the time they show up, I'll crush them without a thought, and then we'll see--! GOKU: Oh, hey, Vegeta! Nice shirt! VEGETA: I... you.... GOKU: Pink is a good color on you! VEGETA: (thinking) Just take the compliment. GOHAN: Ah! YAMCHA: Hey, there he is! (camera move up Trunks inside his time machine in the sky) TRUNKS: Well, it's time for me to leave... I'll see you all again in three years your time-- but hopefully you won't need me... Father, I hope to get to know you a little better next time. Mother... I hope to get to know you a little less. VEGETA: Get the hell out of here! (Trunks waves goodbye to the group and disappears) GOKU: By the way, I can teleport. KRILLIN: What? GOKU: Yup! (disappears and then reappears wearing a pair of familiar sunglasses) Check it! KRILLIN: But aren't those... (at Kame House...) MASTER ROSHI: (inside Kame House) GOKU JUST DONE STOLE MY GLASSES! (back at the group) YAMCHA: Master Roshi's on the whole other side of the world! GOKU: Yup, yup! I just got to imagine him and, POOF! There I go! I learned it out in space! KRILLIN: (now wearing Master Roshi's sunglasses) Oh, yeah... sort of forgot the obvious question there, but HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?! GOKU: Mmmmmuffin But--! GOHAN: Don't say Muffin Button! GOKU: But it was! There's science and stuff! (flashback to Goku at Freeza's ship trying to escape the explosion) See, while I was on Freezer's ship... GOKU: (in flashback) There! (presses the muffin button and a muffin appears) '''Yes!' (keeps pressing the button and a bunch of muffins starts appearing around him) YAAAAAAAAAY--! (Namek explodes)'' GOKU: But when the planet exploded, the muffins actually formed a seal around me; both protecting me and feeding me all the way to Yardrat! (shows an explosion and then a cluster made out of muffins floating around in space) (back to present) GOHAN: And that is...? GOKU: The place where I crashed. (flashback of the muffin cluster crashing on Planet Yardrat with Goku falling down) The Yardies were awfully nice. (shows Goku surrounded by a group of Yardians) They nursed me back to health, and even made a ship for me to come home in! (back to present) They also kept feeding me their sick... so now, I can teleport! YAMCHA: So, if you could teleport, and you knew Freeza was coming... Why didn't you teleport to Freeza's ship and stop him? GOKU: I kinda wanted to give you guys a chance. PICCOLO: Please don't make a habit of that. GOKU: No promises. TIEN: Looks like we'll have to put ourselves through the training of our lives if we hope to stand a chance against these Androids. BULMA: Wait, we don't have to do any of that! Hear me out: we just have to gather the Dragon Balls, have the dragon tell us where to find the guy who's making the Androids, find him, then murder that son of a bitch in cold blood! VEGETA: As much as I love the phrasing of that, I'm gonna have to say no. And by no, I mean hell no! BULMA: Are you kidding me?! You heard Piccolo...none of you survive! VEGETA: And I, as a Super Saiyan, relish the challenge! GOKU: (gasps) You're a Super Saiyan, Vegeta? Show me! VEGETA: I... well yeah, I just... I... TIEN: Don't tell me, you're not in the mood. VEGETA: What, does that third eye make you psychic? TIEN: No, but it does help me see BULLSHIT. VEGETA: Hey, you know what?... (pauses, then narrows his eyes) F**k you. (flies off) GOKU: You know, to be fair, I'm with Vegeta on this one. I wanna fight me some Androids! I haven't had a good fight since Freezer! GOHAN: Wait, so, the first thing we do after you get back--after being gone for a year and a half--is train? GOKU: I know, I'm excited too! GOHAN: (calmly while closing his eyes) Yeah, okay. KRILLIN: Well, guess that settles that! I'm off to go fire Kamehameha's at the ocean over and over. TIEN: See you all in three years. Good to have you back, Goku. CHIAOTZU: We're gonna go get McDonalds! YAMCHA: Suppose we'll get moving on, too. Come on, Bul-- GOKU: Wait. Yamcha? YAMCHA: Yeah? GOKU: You're my friend. YAMCHA: (touched) Oh, uh, heh, thank you, man. (Bulma's ship takes off) GOKU: (looks over to Piccolo) Soooo... Wanna go drive cars? PICCOLO: Bitchin'. (cut to Goku driving a car, with an old man as an unlucky passenger, causing havoc on the road) GOKU: (singing to "Highway To Hell" by AC/DC) ♪I'm on the Highway to HFIL♪ ♪On the highway to HFIL♪ (cut to Tien, Krillin, and Yamcha's training montages before shifting to Goku's house) NARRATOR: And thus, they went their separate ways to prepare for the upcoming threat. However, a few of them would find... road blocks... (shift to Chi-Chi, looking furious) CHI-CHI: LIKE HELL YOU WILL!!! GOKU: Oh, come on, Chi Chi! CHI-CHI: Don't you "Come on, Chi-Chi" me! (Goku laughs nervously) You're gone off in God-knows-where space, refuse to let the dragon take you home, and the first thing you ask for when you get back? "Oh, hey, Chi Chi, mind if I take our baby boy to go train to '''FIGHT SOME MONSTER ROBOTS?!'"'' GOKU: Androids. And the first thing I asked about was dinner. CHI-CHI: THE ANSWER IS ''NO!'' GOKU: No to dinner, or no to Gohan? CHI-CHI: BOTH!!! GOKU: Aww, but Chi-Chi... don't be like that! Be a pal! (attempts to pat Chi-Chi on her back, but due to his prodigious strength, slaps her WAY too hard and sends her flying out of the house, through a tree, and into a boulder) OH MY GOSH! GOHAN: Dad, run! GOKU: What?! GOHAN: The worst she can do is ground me! Now, RUN! (cut to Capsule Corporation) NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Vegeta found ways to innovate his training. DR. BRIEFS: 500x Earth's gravity? That's insane; you'd be crapping out your own spine! VEGETA: I know; the challenge excites me. Look at my nipples. (sends out a shockwave) LOOK AT THEM! DR. BRIEFS: Fine, I'll build you your ship. What's the worst that could happen, anyway? (cut to Vegeta inside the newly built gravity chamber in front of the controls. He presses a button and there's an explosion, which startles Dr. Briefs and Scratch is heard saying "Meow".) VEGETA: (from inside the gravity chamber) AAUGH! MY NIPPLES! (Cut to Gohan sparring with both Goku and Piccolo at the same time, with Gohan being on the defensive. Gohan then gets kicked in the stomach by Goku before getting uppercutted by Piccolo and lands on a cliff.) GOHAN: (as the cliff crumbles, causing him to fall down) YAHHHHH...! (Gohan hits the ground, indicated by a distant crash) GOKU: Wow... he really needs to learn how to do-- PICCOLO: Yeah, I know. Still working on that. By the way, how'd you convince your wife to let him train with you? GOKU: We're on a field trip to the Ozarks... Please never tell her we were here. PICCOLO: What are you talking about? We're just studying. GOKU & PICCOLO: Uhhhhhhhhh...! PICCOLO: Let's go drive cars again. GOKU: Yaaaaaay! (cut to Vegeta training under 400x Earth's gravity, spinning counterclockwise, when Bulma appears on a digital holographic screen screen) BULMA: Are you f**king insane?! VEGETA: (stops upside down) No, but you're upside down! (starts spinning again) ...Now, you're not. BULMA: You know, it would be easier to count the amount of your ribs that aren't broken! VEGETA: Work through the pain... BULMA: And exactly how are you going to work when your body collapses? VEGETA: (stops spinning) Please, the Prince of all Saiyans does not coll...AAAAAAAAPSE--! (collapses and falls on the ground) BULMA: Oh, look at that... The prince of all two Saiyans on the ground! VEGETA: (struggling to get up) Three and a half-- (grunts angrily) SHUT UP!! BULMA: Oh, no, the Prince is getting all huffy! What are you gonna do, try to blow up Earth again? Because I have Goku on speed dial. VEGETA: You must be as stupid as he is if you think he knows how to work a phone! BULMA: Don't you call me stupid! VEGETA: Okay, then how about BITCH?!! BULMA: Arrogant dick! VEGETA: Spoiled sow! BULMA: F**k you! VEGETA: F**k you! BULMA: F**k' YOU!'' '''VEGETA: F**K YOU!!! (pause... Bulma suddenly gets an idea...) BULMA: My room, ten minutes... (Cut to the exterior of Bulma's house. From inside the complex, both Vegeta and Bulma are heard making loud, pleasured moaning noises, clearly indicating they are having sex. Vegeta continues pounding Bulma) BULMA: Oh, yeah, that's it! Keep going! Right there, right there! Yes, yes, yes...! VEGETA: GALICK... GUN... FIRE!!!!!!!! BULMA: ''YES!!!!!!!!'' (A distinctive fuchsia-colored Galick Gun is fired from inside the house as Vegeta climaxes inside Bulma, leaving a trail of smoke behind, coming out of the hole the Galick Gun created. From inside, Vegeta and Bulma are both heard panting in exhaustion.) BULMA: Oh... '''wow!' '''VEGETA:' ...Yup! BULMA: Got to admit, even with the broken ribs, you really... Wait. VEGETA: What? BULMA: Where's your condom? VEGETA: ...The fuck's a '''condom?' SEQUENCE STINGER ''(cut to Goku and Piccolo once again driving cars and racing each other) PICCOLO: (singing to "Move, Bitch" by Ludacris) ♪DODGE, bitch! Get out the way!♪ ♪Get out the way, bitch! Get out the way!♪ (cut to Gohan, who was left behind by Goku and Piccolo, lying face-down in the snow and groaning in pain)